Alan Jenkins: E. H. Gorilla Ltd. Atomic Engineering And Mobile Library

Cordelia Records

Available now on Bandcamp

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Eclectic psych-garage-experimental-surf wizard extraordinaire Alan Jenkins continues his musical crusade with another instalment of strange otherworldly pop excursions involving lots of complicated guitar solos, kitchen sink instrumentation, analogue abuse and off-kilter arrangements. Martin Gray once again feels intrigued enough to tune in from a parallel wavelength.

Picture the scenario: a young impressionable fellow saunters purposefully into a record shop in a provincial town somewhere in southern England (trading under the delightful name of Pot Sounds*) with the intention of purchasing another new release by an established rock musician. He is greeted by a rather unkempt old fellow behind the counter who resembles Neil Young dragged backwards through a hedge. Yes, THAT Neil Young, who else?

(*for the purposes of avoiding any potential legal ramifications, the name of the record store has been changed.)

Unfazed, the lad asks the guy in the shop if he has the latest new album by Richard Ashcroft on limited vinyl, to which the man shoots back a baleful thousand yard stare before retorting: “Richard Who?”

“You know, Richard Ashcroft – the lead singer of the band The Verve.” the lad cheerfully insists.

“The Verve? Where are they from?” – the old codger demands to know.

The young lad is momentarily baffled by the guy’s ignorance but keeps his composure and helpfully informs the shopkeeper that The Verve hail from Wigan, a town near Manchester, that they were a huge band and the singer only recently supported Oasis on their comeback tour.

The old guy rolls his eyes heavenwards and tuts…. “Northern Arseholes!“ he spits, indignantly.

Taken aback, the young lad corrects him: “No, that album [by The Verve] was called A Northern Soul”.

Neil Young lookalike is unrepentant: “Nahh – I meant, all northerners are arseholes! I won’t stock any records by northerners! I don’t care who the fuck this Ashcroft guy is – they mean jack shit to me! As for Oasis….. fuck ’em! Bloody old hasbeens! Who do they all think they are? Arrogant cocky bastards! Think the world revolves around their backsides, and don’t even get me started on The Beatles! Most overrated bunch of talentless Scouse twats ever!”

Perturbed, the young lad steadies his composure in the face of such outright hostility from the shop owner before countering back: “But they’re not old hasbeens! They’re huge and popular for a good reason…..”

“Now listen here lad,” the guy insists, pressing his face right up to that of the young customer’s “… you could do with an education, you really need to open your ears to the wider world and forget all that hippy shite. There’s some much more interesting bands around that you could do with listening to than all that lowest common denominator jetsam flotsam rubbish!”

And on saying that, he turns around and reaches over to a whole slew of CDs which he then proceeds to place on the counter in front of his bemused customer.

“See these? These are what is known as the acme of excellence. Superlative stuff. This is what we call proper music. Not your fucking Parklife Wonderwall Britpop bollocks! Check the names! Fucking inspired aren’t they? Ruth’s Refrigerator! Jody & The Creams! The Thurston Lava Tube! The Melamine Division Plates! The Deep Freeze Mice! Culpho Dog Gymkhana!  Alan Jenkins & The Kettering Vampires! And you wanna know something? They’re all the products of one singular mastermind! And his name is Alan Jenkins. Have you heard of him?”

The lad shakes his head sadly. He only wanted the new Richard Ashcroft album and now he’s being given a torturous sermon and the third degree from this dishevelled old ogre glowering through his matted wiry hair behind the counter.

“Well, allow me to give you an induction then! Alan Jenkins has released more than 60 records over the last 40 years or so. Bet you didn’t know that! He’s recorded and released more songs than the fuckin’ Beatles and Oasis hasbeens combined. That technically makes him a legendary artist worthy of inclusion in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame, although of course artists of his ilk would rather disembowel their own parents and barbecue their pets and kids than even think of being associated with that stinking old charade for pampered superannuated rock bores!

“Alan Jenkins’ new record’s just been released too – and what a genius title it’s got – definitely the most inspired so far: E. H. Gorilla Ltd. Atomic Engineering and Mobile Library! Isn’t that class? And is the music contained within a match for the clever title? What do you bloody well think?”

The lad looks decidedly nonplussed but the shop owner continues regardless.

“The first song’s an epic called Kill Them! And you wanna know something? Alan really DOES want to kill them. All of ’em. Every boring mediocre fucker on the bastard planet that annoys him. Pow! Kaput! Zap! It’s more than 10 and a half minutes long and totally out of this world…..and it’s nothing like prog rock either, but something far far more transcendental. Listening to that track will make you think you’re invincible AND make you split your sides with laughter because it’s also very very funny…..and then you’ll want to kill every mediocre fucker that annoys you too. That’s a sign of quality mate!

“Alan Jenkins’ lyrics are so witty and cerebral that they put the insipid likes of that old prancing drama queen Morrissey in the dark….. and his guitar playing is so ingenious and inventive it pisses all over worthy dullards like George Harrison and Noel Gallagher. Hell, even John Squire sounds like Zippy with a toothcomb by comparison! Which reminds me…. by God, the Stone Roses were fucking dire! Listen to the crazy stereo panning that goes on within some of the tracks here and be amazed. It makes Waterfall sound like a load of frogs trapped in a tin box by comparison!

“You want crazy head music? Well you can do no worse than track three, Let There Be No Light. In direct contrast to track 1, this one’s only around 50 seconds long but, fuck me, it messes with your head all right. That’s how smart this record is – never stretching the point, always keeping things short and succinct where it matters, but then, on occasion, indulging in long convoluted epics that can also stretch the space-time continuum such that whole continental land masses can shift a few metres.

“Furthermore, Roger And Out? is a cool instrumental featuring guitar, organ, drum machine….like embarking on a nocturnal trip. There’s diversity here which keeps things interesting. Would you like some cold pizza?”

The lad politely declines his offer of nourishment.

“Suit yourself then….. you know, what makes music great is how inventive and diverse the instrumentation is. Why stick to boring samey guitars and chugging drums playing 4/4 time, and other tedious crappy cliches when you can have analogue moogs, organs, shakers, maracas, tambourines, bongos, xylophones and other tuned percussion, tracks consisting entirely of ringing telephones (as heard on Rachel Pancake and epic instrumental closer The House Itself Was No Larger Than A Bee), backwards guitars, droning noises, sound effects, ocean waves, and, atop all of this, deadpan drawled vocals reciting surreal narratives (The Diorama of Facts)? There are some truly genius chord changes taking place among the guitars, organ and drums which dominate Goblin School, and where else can you come across a title as laugh out loud amusing as The Tranquil Mayhem Of The Macabre Acrobats?

“You want a guiro duelling with a crazed electric guitar solo played at great speed on the high fret over a muffled backdrop of crowd noise in a room? Try Eratosthenes of Cyrene. It may not be ambient music exactly, but it’s very original. You want scalding guitar feedback periodically defiling an otherwise uptempo indie pop rocker which then has a fabulous fanfare of trumpets cascading over the second half? Say hello to Your Best Ideas. It shits all over anything on Revolver! Yes indeed!

“Creativity bleeds profusely all over this Alan Jenkins album you know, kid. You wouldn’t have ever thought that from a musician who is now in his mid-60s and still continues to confound and delight and amuse in equal measure with his resolutely singular and highly original approach to deconstructivist art rock that is like that of no other artist. Now what say you to the offer of enlightenment through the acquisition of this fine record to replace all the anodyne regurgitated tripe that you’ve been listening to so far?”

The lad – having stood for the last half hour in a complete daze – snaps out of his reverie and, with tears welling in his eyes and without uttering another word, turns and bolts out of the shop and runs as fast as his legs can carry him back home…whereupon he proceeds to take out all of his treasured vinyl albums by his beloved bands The Verve / Richard Ashcroft, Oasis, The Beatles, The Stone Roses, The Smiths…. and, ahem, Coldplay and Stereophonics, and tosses them into a pile in his back garden, before unceremoniously setting them alight.

Back in Pot Sounds, the cantankerous Neil Young lookalike stands behind the counter, nods, sits back in his chair and lights a joint, before helping himself to another slice of his cold pizza……then chuckles quietly to himself. Somehow, he senses that the young lad will be back in his shop again very soon.  The day’s deed has been done.

~

all words by Martin Gray.

Any resemblance to actual events or persons, either living or dead, in this narrative is purely unintentional and no accountability will be taken.

For Martin Gray’s profile, see here.

For more music from Alan Jenkins and Cordelia Records (and DO buy some of his stuff because it really is good shit!), what the fuck are you dithering for??